Miss Mary Mac
by xxProngsxxPadfootxx
Summary: Lily is forced to be the advice columnist for Hogwarts because of her friends. Read as she picks on all the people with problems just to vent out all her anger. JL. R&R!
1. getting started

**My first ever story on here! Yay! I feel so accomplished. Hehe. I got this idea because I am the advice columnist at my school, so all the problems are ones that people actually wrote to me. ENJOY AND REVIEW! Lily (xxProngsx)**

Oh I am so going to kill my friends. They decided that I would make a great advice columnist. So, what do they do? They make me an advice columnist at Hogwarts. AHHHH! I don't know how I'm going to give advice when I'm the one with the most problems.

Wonderful. All the letters are coming to me now. Oh I am so going to kill my friends. Ah well, at least I can make fun of the people who are more pathetic than I am.

_Dear Miss Mary Mac, _ Oh yeah did I forget to tell you that's what my beloved friends named me?

_There's this guy I like but he doesn't even know I exist. He's the most popular guy in the school and I'm so far from popular. What do I do?_

_Signed- invisible_

This should be easy. I mean, come on! Just like someone else! It doesn't take a brain scientist. After a few minutes of trying to figure out how to word it I finally write the perfect response.

_Dear Invisible, Maybe you should just give up on this guy and move on to someone else. If you can't, talk to the guy! Make him know you exist and make sure that you're the one that's always on his mind. From- Miss Mary Mac_

I hate writing that stupid name! After reading a few letters I realize that they're all the same. I bet it's about the same bloody boy too. Who's the most popular boy in school you may ask? James Potter. I hate him. Not really but I can pretend. Actually I do pretend. They only people who know I don't hate James are James and me.

Ever since we wound up being the Heads we formed this secret alliance. Everyone thinks I still hate him and he still loves me. I don't hate him, but he still does love me. It's fun toying with his emotions. One minute I'm laughing at a funny joke he said and the next minute I slap him just for fun.

The truth is, I kinda like him too. But just a little but. It's not even a crush, just a thing. I like seeing him smile and laugh and pout and pretend to cry. I especially like it when I make him do all those things. I feel so… powerful when I'm with him. I like it. It's much like the feeling I get when I'm responding to my stupid writers. I could be completely mean to them if I wanted to be and no one would be able to stop me.

Hey! That's it. I'm going to write as if I'm two people. One will be sweet Miss Mary Mac, and the other will be the Bitch from Hell. Hehe I feel evil. Yay James for kind of giving me this idea! I can't wait to try out my writing expertise as a devil Yippee!

**A/N: did you like it? I know it was short and random, but cut me some slack it's only my first story. I'm sure as I get more reviews they'll be better. (hint hint) REVIEW RIGHT NOW! Please? **


	2. Ezra

**A/N: I'm back! Sorry for the wait. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I'm not J.K.Rowling…**

Arrgh! James Potter beat me on a charms test! How dare he be better than me in charms. I'm supposed to be the charms expert in my grade. But no, he just had to get an O whereas I get a stupid, lousy, good-for-nothing E. I despise the letter E, much like I despise Potter. Crush or no crush, James is going down.

Wait… I don't have a crush on him. Nope. I don't. We are merely friends. I have no feelings for him whatsoever. Okay, maybe I do. But it's not a crush. So leave me alone.

Back to the matter at hand. HE BEAT ME! Why does he have to be good at everything he does? Why can't he be bad at one thing? That's all I'm asking for. One thing.

"Potter, how could you possibly have gotten an O?" I ask. Usually if I confront him in public I have to pretend to be mad and hate him. But I'm not pretending now. I am mad at him, but I don't hate him. Now that I think about it, I find it impossible to hate that wonderful guy. With his great hair that never stays put and his brilliant hazel eyes.

Stop it Lily! You're supposed to be mad at him. Not complimenting in your head. Jeez, this boy knows how to get on my nerves.

"It's a thing called studying my precious Evans. Ever heard of it?"

"I have, Potter. But I didn't even think you knew what books were." I said back. Aww, he actually studied. That's so cute! But I'm still mad at him.

"Whatever Evans." With that he left. Damn him. I can't stay mad at him for very long. I'll have to congratulate him on beating me during our rounds. I'm still mad at the whole idea though. No one is supposed to beat me at charms. That's my thing.

"Lily! Lily! Dumbledore wants you!" My best friend, Sarah Mushiwitz, yelled at me while running into the common room. In an undertone she added, "Next advice column is coming soon. He has letters."

Sarah Mushiwitz has been my best friend ever since we got on the train to Hogwarts in first year. Some guy with greasy hair (we found out later he was Snape) was making fun of her and so I did the first thing that came to mind when I saw. I started repeatedly hitting over the head with one of my books. And then she kneed him. In the balls. We've been friends ever since. She has dark brown hair that falls to her waist and golden brown eyes.

"Thanks Mushi. You're coming with me," I say pulling her along to Dumbledore. Everyone calls her Mushi because she hates the name Sarah. She claims it is boring and unoriginal. We used to call her by her whole last name (Mushiwitz), but we shortened over the years because it took to long to spell and write.

"But I'm not Miss Mary Mac," Mushi said with a smirk on her face. Miss Mary Mac is a very stupid name.

"No, but you're her helper."

"Fine, but I get to choose my name. It's going to be… Ezra." She stated confidently.

"Erm, okay. Whatever, Ezra."

When we got to Dumbledore's office, we told him that Mushi/Ezra was going to help me, so I can answer the letters faster. He told me it was alright and that he'll inform the school tomorrow.

"Where were you guys," my other best friend, Elizabeth Harrington, asked.

For at least half the year in first year, Sarah and I hated Elizabeth (Lizzie), and she hated us back. She was friends with Nicole Alexander and the two of them would always gang up on us. We would constantly fight and pull pranks on each other. But then, one day while we were waiting for class to begin, the Slytherins started making fun of us, all four of us. And together we made them look like ugly little slug things. Sure, we got detention for two weeks, but it was worth it, because now we're all best friends.

Lizzie has very curly, blonde hair that reaches her shoulders, and electric blue eyes. She is the more calm one out of us and always keeps us in line. But she always knows how to have fun, and if you upset her, the you are in some serious trouble.

"Dumbledore," we said simply and she understood it meant 'Miss Mary Mac'. She too smirked at me.

"Eveyone is talking about the advice columnist and how she tends to have mood swings. You know, like for one person she's all sweet and the next she's practically yelling at them. But everyone loves her anyway," Lizzie said winking at me.

"Oh bugger off!" I say laughing. The three of us go up to our dorm to find the fourth girl of our group, Nicole Alexander (Nikki).

Although Nikki is considered part of our group, she doesn't exactly belong. We love her and all but her attitude towards everything is the exact opposite from ours. Mushi, Lizzie and I are more like tomboys, whereas Nikki is a very big girly-girl. She wears a lot of makeup all the time and takes forever to choose her outfit. Sometimes I wonder if she and I would be friends if it weren't for Lizzie.

She has light brown hair and pale green eyes. Out of the four of us, she is the prettiest and gets all the guys, except for one. James Potter. We had a huge fight last year about him. She always had a crush on him but James couldn't care less about her. She got mad at me because James liked me and not her. Eventually I convinced her I hated him and we became friends again. I'm scared what she might do if she found out I have a thing for James.

"Hey guys! I was wondering where you were," she said while painting her nails and reading a magazine.

"I got more letters from overly pathetic people," I responded and we started cracking up. Why? I'm not sure, we just did.

"I'm her helper, Ezra," Mushi exclaimed excitedly. She would be excited because she wanted to help and she chose her name. Me? I had no say to anything whatsoever.

"That's so cool! You're like her sidekick or something!" Lizzie said happily. Nikki just looked at us.

"What's up Nikki," I asked noticing her face.

"Oh, nothing. Congrats Mushi, I'm sure you'll be great."

"Thanks! Let's get started on those letters," she said as she picked them up.

"_Dear Miss Mary Mac,_

_During the summer, when my parents go to work I'm always stuck watching my little brother. It really sucks because I can't go out with my friends or do anything. Any advice on how to deal?_

_Signed, Summer Blues"_

"Why the heck would anyone complain about the summer now? It's no where near the summer!" Mushi exclaims.

"Who knows? I told you people here are strange. Just answer it. Let's see how well you do, Ezra," I say.

"How about this: _Dear Blues, It's not the summertime yet so quit complaining. When summer does come round, hire a babysitter. That way you can do whatever you want, but your brother is being watched. Ezra"_

"That's great!" Lizzie and I say. Nikki was clapping and soon we join in. Mushi stands up and takes a bow.

"Okay, my turn."

"_Dear Miss Mary Mac,_

_Well you see I got a pet kneazle. I love little Chintuckeyuger, but my best friend keeps trying to light him on fire! Where can I hide him so he won't be set on fire?_

_Signed, kneazle lover"_

We burst out laughing. People definitely have problems in our school. Who would try to light fire to a cute and innocent kneazle?

"_Dear Lover, I think you need a new best friend. No one should light a kneazle on fire! Maybe give him to Hagrid, I'm sure he'd look after the little guy. Miss Mary Mac."_

The girls and I spent the rest of the night answering letters, but for some reason Nikki wasn't in a good mood. I have no clue why and what we did but it doesn't matter. What does matter is that everyone is going to love the next issue of Miss Mary Mac.

**A/N: Ta-da! Did you like it? I hope so. If anyone wants to talk to me and stuff my screename on AIM is: prongs is minexx **


	3. Imp AN

I'm really sorry everyone but this story isn't going anywhere. It's more of a burden to write MMM than fun. If I get enough reviews saying 'No! Don't delete it!' then I'll put it on hiatus, but for now I'm going to say I'm deleting it.


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